Courtyard

It is nice out today. I am actually enjoying myself outside of my bedroom. I am wearing a white cotton dress with bell sleeves that flow with my small gestures. There is a calm breeze that coats my flesh in a milky cool feeling. Adjacent to my feet is a small fountain. The ripples seem to mirror the music escaping my headphones and infiltrating my body. One song after another sinking deeper and deeper into my brain and down into my stomach. I am well rested but appear tired. This must be because of that sick feeling. I've been feeling nauseous and I can't tell if this could be because of motion sickness from riding the elevators constantly or the sad music creating a parallel to my emotions of being away from my friends. I observe the people around me and I see that they are mostly in groups, laughing, enjoying one another. What I would give to have that. A group of friends. Someone else to talk to or experience things with. I can't continue to cling to my roommate and Alex. Alex has her own group of friends in the upper east side and I need to find my own down here in lower manhattan. There is even a couple sitting together kissing and laughing. It's beautiful. They're beautiful. They seem not only to be completely physically attracted to one another, but smitten with their personalities as well. There is a copper coated statue towering over me. Now rusted to a dark green, the woman holding herself in a large ring and supporting a small child with her foot in a sort of acrobatic way. I don't exactly like this statue. You can usually bet on me disliking anything with children in it. Elliot Smith is now singing his whispering song, almost sexual. His songs are so beautifully whispered. Whispered so thin I can feel it spread in my veins down to my fingertips and back up through my heart. His songs make me sad because they remind me of listening to them in my room at home with my cat nestled under my arm as I sketched out satanic figures in my notebook. About this time back home I would hear a call from downstairs from my mother asking about dinner. Then I would've found that so incredibly annoying, but now I wouldn't mind it. I can't help but feel, maybe I'm not ready to be away from home like this? But this confuses me. I was so unhappy back at home, I thought moving here would fix everything! I know it takes time, but I am the most impatient person I know. Fly away hairs keep tickling my nose as the breeze continues and seems to intensify as the time goes by. The sky looks dim and mellow but with an underlining of sadness. It's going to rain. I am going to cry. I am the sky. It constantly mirrors my mood. Thats why back home it was always overcast. The gods have yet to adjust to where I am now. Now it is starting to sync with my being.

SONG OF THE DAY:

New York, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down- LCD Soundsystem