Like most young women and men my age I have points of weakness where I see myself as an ugly person with an ugly body. I know I may preach to love one's self for who you are, but it is incredibly hard to take your own advice. There have been many points to where I have stood naked in front of my mirror starring and studying each curve, fold, scar, and pore. Finding one after the other to be as ugly as the last. Seeing myself in this ugly light I felt I needed to hide myself. How could I possibly show myself in public? How could I be so cruel to others by making their eyes cast upon my body only to look away in disgust? This thinking only started to become my own paradox. The more I began to think this way, the more I hated myself for thinking that way thus bringing on more self hatred. I have never had an eating disorder, but that does not mean I haven't thought about it. Of course everyone thinks about something of the sort at some point, it is human nature. As I would think about vomiting after a meal or skipping one, I saw these "short cuts" as pointless. Why should I torture my body by making it even more unhealthy to get a result that will never come? I found this questioning may in fact have saved my life.
Now living in New York City, I have found that I have been judging myself less and focussing more on being healthy. My dorm room has one mirror, and it is in my bathroom. I use this mirror to apply makeup and other things that have to do with skin care. It's not long enough to see my body and I think this is good. I have been focussing more on other things than worrying about what I look like to other people. I haven't been standing naked wondering 'why do I look like this?' or 'how could something be this gross??'. Simply observing other people in my building I see that these people aren't concerned with my body but who I actually am. Of course I have yet to actually make a friend that isn't my roommate, I still find it comforting that no one cares.
Speaking of making very little friends... This has been a surprise to me. I always thought the second I would get to college I would be surrounded with people just like me. Well so far the only friend I have made is my roommate. She's great and we get along perfectly. It's just, when there is one person you spend time with, once they leave you by yourself. You are completely alone. Everyone I have grown up with and gone to school with is in another state. My family is in another state. Suddenly sitting alone in my dorm room with the tv on to keep me company, I feel a pang of utter sorrow and self pity. I have felt alone before but, I have never felt THIS alone before. Knowing that there isn't anyone I could just call up to hang out with is devastating. Today I was video chatting with my parents keeping them up to date with what was going on, it was hard to not burst into tears the second they asked if I made any friends. I had to gather my composure and look down so they couldn't see my eyes well up with tears and simply uttered.. no. Offering some comfort, they said it's only been a week and I was sure to make some friends soon, I changed the subject to my classes. When I am alone and feel like I'm going to cry, I honestly try to cry. I feel like once I do I will be okay. And you know, I haven't cried once? Not at graduation. Not saying goodbye to friends as they went off to college. Not moving into Pace. I can't bare it. Part of me just wants to get it over with because I know it's going to happen eventually, then part of me is afraid that if I do cry, I have given up and lost the battle showing that I am weak.
I know it gets better. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. But right now, the tunnel is pretty long and dark.
SONG OF THE DAY:
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